momentous MOTHERHOOD

I walked outside, felt the heat of the summer sun wrap around me as if our entire backyard was a massive sauna. My to-do list loomed in the forefront of my mind, caught in the same web of thoughts as finances, kids, food prep, marriage concerns, and family needs. A mental inferno threatening to engulf every part of my thinking. For a long moment, I gave up trying to fight it. The fires of anxiety, regret, confusion, and lost hope seemed too powerful to contain, too true to combat and too tangled to let go. Tears began to fall. I wanted to scream but held it in. I wanted to run but I’ve learned that it doesn’t work to run from your own thoughts. Your own past.

I sat, almost right there on the ground, but chose a nearby patio chair. The metal frame warm on my skin, at this point I barely noticed. Cicada songs and bird calls beckoned for my attention as I closed my eyes, tears still falling. I focused on breathing. I listened to the rhythm of the sounds around me, chose to hear the patterns of nature that so often bring me back to peace. My tears and my mind slowed simultaneously. The ugly truths were still there, the regrets and confusion, but I began sifting through the pieces; I chose to find small bits of joy hidden in-between.

Every good and beautiful moment I’ve had with my kids in this yard.

Every meal I’ve prepped and known it nourished my family.

Every bill I’ve paid and wise decision I’ve made.

Every step I’ve taken in the right direction.

Every time I’ve felt the weight of darkness but chosen to look toward the light, even when it’s dim and blurry. These are the things I have to be reminded of. My thoughts and memories are often a mixed-up mess of beauty and scars. But every breath means I have another moment to choose.

Tips for Discovering Joy Amidst Chaos

1. Go outside. Minimum of 7-8 minutes, set a timer. No screens. No smoking. Especially when you feel the riptide of anxiety or overwhelm. Focus on breathing and listening to sounds outside of your mind. If you live or work in a city, the sounds of transportation can even have a rhythmic affect. For added benefits, make outside time a habit.
2. Recount the good. Maybe you’ve cried, screamed, jumped up and down, all or none of the above at this point. Allow your breathing and your thoughts to slow down. Everyone has at least one good, true memory in their mind. Repeat it either aloud or silently. Think of what brings you a healthy sense of peace. Focus on breathing, recounting good, true, healthy memories.
3. Forgive yourself. There is no way to be a perfect person. You cannot be the perfect wife, mother, grandmother, employee, boss, friend, aunt, etc. You will make mistakes. You will learn from them and move forward, if you make the choice to do so. Forgive yourself, daily if necessary, for your shortcomings and choose to see yourself as the valuable person God created you to be.
   • This can and should be done in a variety of ways:
     • Verbally/Audibly – say it aloud so that you can hear your own voice, talk with trusted individuals (choose these people very carefully), pray silently or aloud, listen to inspirational audio content i.e. music, podcasts, etc.
     • Visually – write, type, journal, and/or draw your forgiveness so you can see it, look at your own camera roll to remind yourself of beautiful moments in your life (create an album just for this purpose), watch inspirational shows, movies, content, etc.